Face Fear and Shine

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson

Fear is an illusion.  Laugh in its face & let your light shine,
for we are not our story - we are so much more.

We all experience it.  FEAR.  In a recent post, Jungle Path to Truth, I touched upon our good old friend, fear.  Now months later I am facing this familiar feeling again, this time in a cityscape.  My last impressionable experience fear was being lost left for dead in the middle of a vast, unforgiving jungle.  More recently I experienced a series of challenging situations, otherwise perceived as adventurous which leave me asking: “What is the lesson here”? 

One of my dearest mentors says that fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin.  The question: how, in moments of desperation, can I tap into calm, excited emotions when my mind, fight-flight hormones, and old, irrational beliefs have run away with me?  This is one reason I step onto my yoga mat every day: in order to confront truly challenging moments in life, to breathe through them, to separate myself from "the story" that is not me even when it feels like me, and to maintain awareness that everything will change.  Well, being a mere human with a monkey mind, I get caught up in emotions at times.  It is useful when I can be the observer, learn valuable lessons from the moment, and share my experience so perhaps others can learn from my journey as well.  

I live overseas, primarily in SE Asia, and have not been back to the US for over two years.  For the most part everything I need is accessible in Asia, sometimes more so.  However when it comes to domestic banks, let the adventure begin!  Twice this past month I have been unable to access funds in my American bank account for issues related to my ATM card.  First, my card expired.  Per usual I waited until funds ran low enough to warrant a withdrawal so I was not carrying around a load of cash.  Bad mistake and coincidentally poor timing: I had to send three PRAY amulets to customers, buy medicine, and pay rent - all in cash.  In hindsight researching International banks, I read a blog that recommended "plastic" as the way to go overseas.  Clearly this person has not lived in Thailand or India.

With 1,000 Bhat in my wallet (equivalent of $30 USD), a nonchalant, carefree attitude, happy and enjoying the sunshine and temporary success of PRAY, I stopped at the ATM.  Expecting to walk away in a few seconds, wallet full of cash, instead I received an error sign: “Invalid, Check with your bank” on the machine.  Looking down at my card I realized that I had allowed the card expire without a thought.  Have I been that careless?  I never use the card except at the ATM and haven't had a need to look at its contents in many months.  Sheer panic mode set in: how will I survive?  I'm in the middle of Thailand with no family, very few friends, and no cash income.  Money is coming in, ironically the way I intended: online.  Cleverly linked to my bank account which I can almost always access, it is momentarily inaccessible.  As fear rose my rational mind knew that the situation could be resolved with a bit of hassle and time.  When I calmed my fears, I was able to take proactive steps to get money in my hands.  It is the "oh woe is me I am desolate, broke and alone" old thought patterns which arise almost as knee jerk reactions because they are so deeply ingrained in my patterning and as much awareness, yoga, meditation, breath work, healing I do, I have obviously not been able to shed them.  

1,ooo Bhat = $34 USD

Fast-forward nearly a month to yesterday, finally ready to use my new ATM card I ran into similar issues and similar fears.  Two attempts withdrawing money: Denied!  Yikes.  Really poor timing AGAIN, ATM card!  I must leave Thailand TODAY, to make a visa run so I don’t overstay.  Yep, that's not going to happen, I don't have enough money.  What else?  Oh, out of medicine again?  Nice one, girl.  And how many shipments for PRAY do I have to send today?  Only four. Awesome, but four!?!   Seriously, I recall asking The Universe for "abundance, bliss and flow", but somehow the message has been crossed and come out as "scarcity".  Lakshmi (Goddess of Abundance), what kind of silly games are you and Ganesha (God who removes Obstacles) playing with me?

Ganesha: God who removes obstacles.
Part of my altar in Mysore, India

Lakshmi, Goddess of Abundance.
Sits next to Ganesha on my altar in India.

In both ATM stories, people came to my rescue.  My parents, housemates whom I barely know offered to lend me money, a dear friend gave me cash when I transferred funds to his account.  The evening of the first ATM story I had not yet been in touch with the bank and of course Internet went out in half the city.  Hunting around for places where I could call the bank and resolve things before they closed (for the long 4th of July weekend....yes timing could not have been worse), I met a gal, complete stranger, who gave me her guesthouse address and told me to come borrow money from her if I was in need.  I had never met this girl before, but she is a kindred soul, one of so many I meet out on the traveling path.  She had just arrived from India via Bangkok where all of her things were stolen: phone, camera, and iPad.  She was not fazed; this had happened to her so many times on the road that it didn't upset her and she always knew she would be OK.  So why am I getting caught up in the fear and silly "stuck" situations of lack?  Perhaps Marianne Williamson is right, perhaps I fear my power, my brilliance, my light, and I am testing it in unconscious ways.  Playing small does not require us to be in control.  Control is an illusion anyhow, and if we shine bright and flow, the Universe supports us time and again.  

Playing small, under the illusion I was in control and could easily fill up my motorbike's gas tank, I created another "let's experience scarcity" scenario by waiting until my motorbike tank was on red, nearly empty, to find gas.  Thinking my brilliant mind recalled a gas station I had been to near me I headed out for it, gas tank on red.  By the time the red dial was halfway below the red mark, I out of the Farang (foreigner) area, 99.9% Thai demographic, where no one spoke English.  At least not the people I was stopping on the street.  I only stopped like twelve times to do my American imitation of gas: desperately point to the gas tank symbol, look scared, and say the word “Gas?”.  Most of the time the Universal gas tank gave me away and I was given "directions" to the nearest gas station.  Read = mumbles in a language I don't understand, along with a general gesture, occasionally including a turn but no specifics about where to turn.  Of course when given directions in a developing country, you can expect to misunderstand these kind attempts of help and vague directions and to be unintentionally sent the wrong way at least a handful of times before the path becomes clear.   

Let me paint the picture I had dreamed up in my mind: given monsoon season conditions, if the unpredictable heavens were to open, it may pour like nothing I have seen except for monsoons in India or Vietnam.  Rain would not stop for hours.  It is one thing to be lost.  It is another thing to be lost, pushing a motorbike through torrential downpour, still not knowing if I was headed the right direction.  Looking back I realize my mind immediately went to Worst Case Scenario.  How Drama Queen of me.   Stepping out of my story, I can see there are so many ways I could have reacted in this situation.  I could have kept the mind set that all will work out just in time, and enjoyed the adventure losing myself around town, just as it did.  This “adventure in the city” provided a phenomenal opportunity to observe my thoughts and reactions.  Why, for the third time in truly benign circumstances, is all of this fear is coming up?  Clearly it has nothing to do with the gas because the solution was only (two) gas stations away.  I was not dying.  I was only scared.  

One of my friends is on his way into the Mekong on a solo raft trip for 2 months.  He is going down the Delta and then heading out into the ocean.  He is an extreme adventurer and outdoor enthusiast.  In fact, I met him cycling around the world.  The morning he left he was scared, with good reason.  A dear friend, pearls of wisdom to offer in nearly any situation, always reminds me: “is it just fear, or is it REAL fear?  Because if it’s just fear, then go for it.”  By this she means we experience fear for all sorts of reasons.  So many situations in life will trigger fear.  There are very few situations which are worthy of this base emotion.  Looking hard enough any fear can be traced to the ultimate fear: fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear of non-existence.  My adventurer friend’s fear was real; he was putting himself in a potentially life-threatening situation that warranted genuine concern for survival, as did my experience in the jungle.  The fear that came up for me with the ATM cards and gas were just fear, but this fear could also be traced to my ultimate fear of non-existence.  

Fear is often completely irrational in today's society because, for the most part, we are always taken care of and any seemingly dire situation will change or be solved given time.  As conscious beings we are aware that emotions are stored in the body until they are released, and I was presented a few opportunities to release old, unneeded fear.  Although timing may be inconvenient, we are meant to face our fear and show compassion for what has been held inside, for trapped emotions are very real to our experience.  At some point in my life I held on to a belief that I would not be taken care of, that the Universe would not support me, that I am alone, that the world is scarce.  However challenging, it is so very important that I experience minor blips in the flow so I may take a look at and release irrational beliefs which no longer serve me.  Perhaps jungle fear is not enough.  Maybe it takes silly, every day situations like being locked out of my bank account twice and getting terribly lost while nearly running out of gas to face my irrational fears and to see they no longer serve my path.  It's time to let go and SHINE, with a few pearls of wisdom:

1) Do not let your bankcard expire, especially while overseas in a third world country.

2) Stay calm and totally chill if and when your ATM card does expire, for all will work out. 

3) Getting lost is part of the fun in life even if fear screams in your face. 

4) You are not your story.  Just like me you are your essence, and any challenging or painful moment will change, however drastic and however much we get swept away by emotions.

5) Any fears of inadequacies, brilliance, and power are OK, but they are not serving any of us, myself included.  It is time to let our light shine bright with absolute certainty, without any remaining fears or doubts.  

Meeting fear: a brief meditation by Ananta Kranti.

                                                          www.purerockangelyogi.com