Truth & Empowerment & Venus
Attempt 3 at blogging this week. Should be my final before posting. I have been here, there everywhere: Tampak Siring on a search for Durian of all things, Celuk on a search for semi-precious stones and peace. Moved house twice. So let's give it a shot:
Today was my breaking point and after dealing with a locksmith (lost key to the closet that held all of my stuff including $), and being left alone to rest my right arm that has tendonitis or worse, I cried. In Bali there is space and time to heal, to allow emotions to surface, to allow yourself to be vulnerable. The thing of it is I am so tough and have built up a wall that is so high I can't see over it and so thick it's made of pure steel, I rarely cry except under particular circumstances. Years of physical pain from an autoimmune disease, emotional pain from dysfunctional family relations are solid basis for such protection. The un-layering and opening process of one's self is beautiful, painful, beyond extraordinary and takes support. It is a blessing that I have created a network of friends/ family around the world and in the un-doing of unnecessary walls as I open to my truth I can call upon them. It is a blessing I am situated in the rice paddies and mothering energy of Ubud, Bali.
Fitting timing: Venus transited across the sun this week. Huge, auspicious astrological event that is extremely rare and won't happen again until 2117. On 4 occasions I found myself in deeper than usual conversations with people, friends and strangers, about their life stories. All 4 have, at some point in their life, experienced struggle, suffering, pain. The thread that knit their stories so closely together with mine is they have risen out of darkness coming from a place of truth. Each of our stories is different but we are very much the same; we will not compromise our truth to live a life that denies who we are at the core self. It is a choice, to stand in one's truth, one that comes with many forks in the road and confronting decisions at every turn. Living life on the edge, no doubt. My chanting teacher in Mysore, James Boag, says "Once you live life on the razor's edge, you can't go back to the pavement". This is my experience in life.
My right arm is badly injured with tendonitis, likely from a minor fall on my motorbike a few weeks ago compounded with continued Ashtanga practiced, AcroYoga practice, jewelry making, working on launching my website, driving all over the island for work.
As an energy worker and psychologist it is inherent in my job to know and understand that:
1) accidents/ injuries happen for a reason
2) we hold emotions in our bodies especially at points where there is pain
Last July I took a 15 ft. fall while rock climbing in Tonsai, Thailand, fell upside-down on the rope, cracked my skull open and blacked out. I was inches from breaking my spine or dying 40 ft. up on the rock. I came to hanging upside-down and all I could see was blood gushing from my head. I managed down from the wall with help and a taxi boat to the local "hospital", a few stitches, I was climbing 5 days later (minor concussion only). Within 5 months a piercing pain behind my right shoulder blade prevented me from practicing yoga and teaching 7 days/ week, auspiciously sent me to my favorite beach in Thailand. I sought to find the deeper meaning to these injuries during a Past Life Regression while in Mysore, India which proved to be more powerful that I hoped; my body continues to hold many answers for my life and my life's path.
Today with my arm badly injured and almost incapacitated I asking the same question I was with the two previous injuries: what am I trying to tell myself or what is my body trying to tell me? The Balinese bodyworker I saw yesterday gave me stronger deep tissue work than I have ever had, and more pain than I have experienced in a long time. Not being able to operate my bike, I drove to the closest cafe where a friend was having coffee. He began to chat nonchalantly but quickly realized I was a mess, and unexpectedly I fell apart (I was shaking so badly from the pain, both physical and emotional) and allowed myself to be held, to be vulnerable. It is quite possible this pain is here to force me to let my walls down, to open, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to let people in on a more intimate level.
One of the 4 connections I made this week was with a powerful goddess who has inspired me to write, speak my truth, and keep my blog on a regular basis. She has come from a quite vicious background herself to a life teaching yoga, healing, and now leading workshops on empowerment. She heard bits and pieces of my story and told me I must speak my truth, that people need to hear it. I am scared. I am feeling vulnerable. If you are reading this and it speaks to you please let me know.
Sending love.
Today was my breaking point and after dealing with a locksmith (lost key to the closet that held all of my stuff including $), and being left alone to rest my right arm that has tendonitis or worse, I cried. In Bali there is space and time to heal, to allow emotions to surface, to allow yourself to be vulnerable. The thing of it is I am so tough and have built up a wall that is so high I can't see over it and so thick it's made of pure steel, I rarely cry except under particular circumstances. Years of physical pain from an autoimmune disease, emotional pain from dysfunctional family relations are solid basis for such protection. The un-layering and opening process of one's self is beautiful, painful, beyond extraordinary and takes support. It is a blessing that I have created a network of friends/ family around the world and in the un-doing of unnecessary walls as I open to my truth I can call upon them. It is a blessing I am situated in the rice paddies and mothering energy of Ubud, Bali.
Fitting timing: Venus transited across the sun this week. Huge, auspicious astrological event that is extremely rare and won't happen again until 2117. On 4 occasions I found myself in deeper than usual conversations with people, friends and strangers, about their life stories. All 4 have, at some point in their life, experienced struggle, suffering, pain. The thread that knit their stories so closely together with mine is they have risen out of darkness coming from a place of truth. Each of our stories is different but we are very much the same; we will not compromise our truth to live a life that denies who we are at the core self. It is a choice, to stand in one's truth, one that comes with many forks in the road and confronting decisions at every turn. Living life on the edge, no doubt. My chanting teacher in Mysore, James Boag, says "Once you live life on the razor's edge, you can't go back to the pavement". This is my experience in life.
My right arm is badly injured with tendonitis, likely from a minor fall on my motorbike a few weeks ago compounded with continued Ashtanga practiced, AcroYoga practice, jewelry making, working on launching my website, driving all over the island for work.
As an energy worker and psychologist it is inherent in my job to know and understand that:
1) accidents/ injuries happen for a reason
2) we hold emotions in our bodies especially at points where there is pain
Last July I took a 15 ft. fall while rock climbing in Tonsai, Thailand, fell upside-down on the rope, cracked my skull open and blacked out. I was inches from breaking my spine or dying 40 ft. up on the rock. I came to hanging upside-down and all I could see was blood gushing from my head. I managed down from the wall with help and a taxi boat to the local "hospital", a few stitches, I was climbing 5 days later (minor concussion only). Within 5 months a piercing pain behind my right shoulder blade prevented me from practicing yoga and teaching 7 days/ week, auspiciously sent me to my favorite beach in Thailand. I sought to find the deeper meaning to these injuries during a Past Life Regression while in Mysore, India which proved to be more powerful that I hoped; my body continues to hold many answers for my life and my life's path.
Today with my arm badly injured and almost incapacitated I asking the same question I was with the two previous injuries: what am I trying to tell myself or what is my body trying to tell me? The Balinese bodyworker I saw yesterday gave me stronger deep tissue work than I have ever had, and more pain than I have experienced in a long time. Not being able to operate my bike, I drove to the closest cafe where a friend was having coffee. He began to chat nonchalantly but quickly realized I was a mess, and unexpectedly I fell apart (I was shaking so badly from the pain, both physical and emotional) and allowed myself to be held, to be vulnerable. It is quite possible this pain is here to force me to let my walls down, to open, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to let people in on a more intimate level.
One of the 4 connections I made this week was with a powerful goddess who has inspired me to write, speak my truth, and keep my blog on a regular basis. She has come from a quite vicious background herself to a life teaching yoga, healing, and now leading workshops on empowerment. She heard bits and pieces of my story and told me I must speak my truth, that people need to hear it. I am scared. I am feeling vulnerable. If you are reading this and it speaks to you please let me know.
Sending love.
June 5, 2012 Celuk, Bali
You are so beautiful. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for allowing another layer of the wall to peel away. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and insights. I knew we had a special connection the first time I met you, and this tells me a bit more about why that is.
ReplyDeleteKeep sharing your truth with love and vulnerability. It is important, and you are totally held. I look forward to sharing this journey with you, and you have also inspired me to go back to my blogging again.
Much love to you, my dear. I know we will meet again, and you are always in my heart.
Blessings and Love,
Devi