"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." We ask
ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you
not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's
nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own
light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson
—Marianne Williamson
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| Fear is an illusion. Laugh in its face & let your light shine, for we are not our story - we are so much more. |
We all experience it. FEAR. In a recent
post, Jungle Path to Truth, I touched upon our good old friend, fear. Now months later I am
facing this familiar feeling again, this time in a cityscape. My last
impressionable experience fear was being lost left for dead in the middle of a vast, unforgiving jungle. More recently I experienced a series of challenging situations, otherwise perceived as adventurous
which leave me asking: “What is the lesson here”?
One of my dearest mentors says that fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin. The question: how, in moments of desperation, can I tap into calm,
excited emotions when my mind, fight-flight hormones, and old, irrational beliefs have run
away with me? This is one reason I step onto my yoga mat every day: in order to confront truly challenging moments in life, to breathe through them, to separate myself from "the story"
that is not me even when it feels like me, and to maintain awareness that
everything will change. Well, being a mere human with a monkey mind, I get caught up in emotions at times. It is useful when I can be the observer, learn valuable lessons from the moment, and
share my experience so perhaps others can learn from my journey as
well.
I live overseas, primarily in SE Asia, and have not
been back to the US for over two years. For the most part everything I need is
accessible in Asia, sometimes more so. However when it comes to domestic
banks, let the adventure begin! Twice this past month I have been unable
to access funds in my American bank account for issues related to my ATM
card. First, my card expired. Per usual I waited until funds ran low enough to warrant a withdrawal so I was not carrying around a load of cash. Bad mistake and coincidentally poor timing: I had to send three PRAY
amulets to customers, buy medicine, and pay rent - all in cash.
In hindsight researching International banks, I read a blog that recommended "plastic" as the way to go overseas. Clearly this person has not lived in
Thailand or India.
With 1,000 Bhat in my wallet (equivalent of $30
USD), a nonchalant, carefree attitude, happy and enjoying the sunshine and temporary success of
PRAY, I stopped at the ATM. Expecting
to walk away in a few seconds, wallet full of cash, instead I received an
error sign: “Invalid, Check with your bank” on the machine. Looking down
at my card I realized that I had allowed the card expire without a
thought. Have I been that careless? I never use the card except at
the ATM and haven't had a need to look at its contents in many
months. Sheer panic mode
set in: how will I survive? I'm in the middle of Thailand with no family,
very few friends, and no cash income. Money is coming in, ironically the
way I intended: online. Cleverly linked to my bank account which I can almost always access, it is momentarily inaccessible. As fear rose my rational mind knew that the situation could be
resolved with a bit of hassle and time. When I calmed my fears, I was able
to take proactive steps to get money in my hands. It is the "oh woe
is me I am desolate, broke and alone" old thought patterns which arise
almost as knee jerk reactions because they are so deeply ingrained in my
patterning and as much awareness, yoga, meditation, breath work, healing I do,
I have obviously not been able to shed them.
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| 1,ooo Bhat = $34 USD |
Fast-forward nearly a month to yesterday, finally
ready to use my new ATM card I ran into similar issues and similar fears.
Two attempts withdrawing money: Denied! Yikes. Really poor
timing AGAIN, ATM card! I must leave Thailand TODAY, to make a visa run
so I don’t overstay. Yep, that's not going to happen, I don't have enough
money. What else? Oh, out of medicine again? Nice one,
girl. And how many shipments for PRAY do I have to send today?
Only four. Awesome, but four!?! Seriously, I recall asking The
Universe for "abundance, bliss and flow", but somehow the
message has been crossed and come out as
"scarcity". Lakshmi (Goddess of Abundance), what kind of
silly games are you and Ganesha (God who removes Obstacles) playing with me?
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| Ganesha: God who removes obstacles. Part of my altar in Mysore, India |
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| Lakshmi, Goddess of Abundance. Sits next to Ganesha on my altar in India. |
In both ATM stories, people came to my rescue. My parents, housemates whom I barely know offered to lend me money, a dear friend gave me cash when I transferred funds to his account. The evening of the first ATM story I had not yet been in touch with the bank and of course Internet went out in half the city. Hunting around for places where I could call the bank and resolve things before they closed (for the long 4th of July weekend....yes timing could not have been worse), I met a gal, complete stranger, who gave me her guesthouse address and told me to come borrow money from her if I was in need. I had never met this girl before, but she is a kindred soul, one of so many I meet out on the traveling path. She had just arrived from India via Bangkok where all of her things were stolen: phone, camera, and iPad. She was not fazed; this had happened to her so many times on the road that it didn't upset her and she always knew she would be OK. So why am I getting caught up in the fear and silly "stuck" situations of lack? Perhaps Marianne Williamson is right, perhaps I fear my power, my brilliance, my light, and I am testing it in unconscious ways. Playing small does not require us to be in control. Control is an illusion anyhow, and if we shine bright and flow, the Universe supports us time and again.
Playing small, under the illusion I was in control and could
easily fill up my motorbike's gas tank, I created another "let's
experience scarcity" scenario by waiting until my motorbike tank was on
red, nearly empty, to find gas. Thinking my brilliant mind recalled a gas
station I had been to near me I headed out for it, gas tank on red. By
the time the red dial was halfway below the red mark, I out of the Farang
(foreigner) area, 99.9% Thai demographic, where no one spoke English. At
least not the people I was stopping on the street. I only stopped
like twelve times to do my American imitation of gas: desperately
point to the gas tank symbol, look scared, and say the word “Gas?”. Most
of the time the Universal gas tank gave me away and I was given
"directions" to the nearest gas station. Read = mumbles in a
language I don't understand, along with a general gesture, occasionally
including a turn but no specifics about where to turn. Of course
when given directions in a developing country, you can expect to
misunderstand these kind attempts of help and vague directions and to be
unintentionally sent the wrong way at least a handful of times before the path
becomes clear.
Let me paint the picture I had dreamed up in my mind: given monsoon
season conditions, if the unpredictable heavens were to open, it may pour like nothing I
have seen except for monsoons in India or Vietnam. Rain would not stop for
hours. It is one thing to be lost. It is another thing to be lost,
pushing a motorbike through torrential downpour, still not knowing if I
was headed the right direction. Looking back I realize my mind immediately went to Worst Case Scenario. How Drama Queen of me. Stepping out of my story, I can see there
are so many ways I could have reacted in this situation. I could have kept the mind
set that all will work out just in time, and enjoyed the adventure losing
myself around town, just as it did. This
“adventure in the city” provided a phenomenal opportunity to observe my thoughts and reactions.
Why, for the third time in truly benign circumstances, is all of this fear is coming up? Clearly it has
nothing to do with the gas because the solution was only (two) gas stations away. I
was not dying. I was only scared.
One of my friends is on his way into the Mekong on
a solo raft trip for 2 months. He is going down the Delta and then
heading out into the ocean. He is an extreme adventurer and outdoor
enthusiast. In fact, I met him cycling around the world. The
morning he left he was scared, with good reason. A dear friend, pearls of
wisdom to offer in nearly any situation, always reminds me: “is it just fear,
or is it REAL fear? Because if it’s just fear, then go for it.” By
this she means we experience fear for all sorts of reasons. So many
situations in life will trigger fear. There are very few situations which
are worthy of this base emotion. Looking hard enough any fear can be
traced to the ultimate fear: fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear of
non-existence. My adventurer friend’s fear was real; he was putting
himself in a potentially life-threatening situation that warranted genuine
concern for survival, as did my experience in the jungle. The fear that
came up for me with the ATM cards and gas were just fear, but this fear could also
be traced to my ultimate fear of non-existence.
Fear is often completely irrational in today's society because, for the most part, we are always taken care of and any seemingly dire situation will change or be solved given time. As conscious beings we are aware that emotions are stored in the body until they
are released, and I was presented a few opportunities to release old, unneeded fear. Although timing may be inconvenient, we are meant to
face our fear and show compassion for what has been held inside, for trapped emotions are very
real to our experience. At some point in my life I held on
to a belief that I would not be taken care of, that the Universe would not
support me, that I am alone, that the world is scarce. However challenging, it is so very
important that I experience minor blips in the flow so I may take a look at and release irrational beliefs which no longer serve me. Perhaps jungle fear is not enough. Maybe it takes silly, every day situations like being locked out of my bank account twice and getting
terribly lost while nearly running out of gas to face my irrational fears and
to see they no longer serve my path. It's time to let go and SHINE, with a few pearls of wisdom:
1) Do not let your bankcard expire, especially while overseas in a third world country.
2) Stay calm and totally chill if and when your ATM card does expire, for all will work out.
3) Getting lost is part of the fun in
life even if fear screams in your face.
4) You are not your story. Just like me you are your essence,
and any challenging or painful moment will change, however drastic and however much we get swept
away by emotions.
5) Any fears of inadequacies, brilliance, and power are OK, but they are not serving any of us, myself included. It is time to let our light shine bright with absolute certainty, without any remaining fears or doubts.
Meeting fear: a brief meditation by Ananta Kranti.
Meeting fear: a brief meditation by Ananta Kranti.
