Anicha: Impermanence

Flashback: Sept 5, 2012

I have made my way down through Thailand in search of a job.  Or in search of myself and my highest purpose; which I’m not sure.  Angels are taking care of me left & right:  Dad, J, F, A, S, M, A, G, J.  Jewelry is selling like the talismans they are to the people who understand and appreciate magic.  I took a taste and connected to Source fully, blissfully, openly.  Euphoria, surges through my chakras, abundant laughter, sparkling stars, understanding that I am filled with joy, love, bliss, gratitude.  The stars sparkled in the same way everything was sparkling that day, sitting on Ashoka Rd learning how to hand-make tassels, on the street side in India.  How does this happen in India, can someone explain the magic to me?  On a deep level I intuitively understand what happens; my senses are blown, deep spirituality surrounds, practice moves through unneeded energy, layers strip away and my soul starts to shine.  Literally as my soul is shining I perceive the external world as sparkling and shining as well.  We practice yoga, meditate, work to polish energy and heal all for these brief (hopefully longer lasting) moments: to scrape away dead layers of old emotion and uncover our true essence. 

My dear angel fairy sparkle sister F gave me the best talk at coffee the other morning.  She was like: “We’re from Upper-Middle Class suburbs, we’re Jewish, we have been through graduate school, we ARE abundant.  We are part of this, this is the world we know.”  We have simply chosen the gypsy fairy route to tap into our higher purpose which at times feels like Oz compared to the world we come from.  But isn’t this why I am out here doing what I do?  To stay true to my highest self. 

The last time I caved without thinking into the rat race in America I nearly died.   I am faced with the same-same decision:  back to the Hanoi rat race where there is opportunity and money to be made but very small community, horrific pollution, rajasic environment and people for the most part, slim-to-no-chance for a proper love life, and no bloody chanting or kirtan.  I was extremely happy there.  If I go back I will be happy moving energy, being stable, making money, but there will be a huge part of my soul that is empty and lacking.  There has to be more to life than this.  LOVE. 

What happened the last time I entered the Rat Race?  Truth stood me in the face and I crumbled.  I saw the purposelessness of the sales job I had at the time (a method to keep me- barely- in SF to play AcroYoga & dance w/ amazing Vinyasa teachers, live the high life).  Making money to barely make rent to live a life beyond my reach financially, which also was not feeding my soul.  My soul was being stripped of its’ ability to thrive as I circled for hours in North Beach for parking, as I skipped up through Russian Hill during summer festivals.  The whole world became warped to me just as it had when I arrived in the US from 1.5 years in developing countries.  This time I couldn’t ignore what I was seeing but by then it was too late; I was pinned down by depression, anxiety and inability to function in this seemingly meaningless daily existence of selling my soul for no good reason.  I was burning through my time here on earth and the best I could do was drag myself to the very bottom in order to wake up and step back on my Path. 

Flash Forward 1 Month:

October 5, 2012

My words and thoughts from 1 month ago are powerful and resonate with the one-month-older Me.  All makes sense, yet I have been unsuccessful sustaining my own needs without a steady place of work & income.  What to do?

Stop in Hanoi momentarily, catch my breath.  This is one somewhat up-and-coming hipster Asian city where I can do one of the things I love in this life to make a living, no struggle.  I have friends here, ability to cycle around the city; I get to teach yoga (and not starve).  Since arriving in town I have had 3 offers to teach yoga different places; this was not happening elsewhere.  I have already been asked to perform at a hipster club.  Super crucial: I have access to my outstanding Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor for all of $6 per session. 

Downsides are evident and I am feeling the impact every day. 

Here is where I write about the experience I have had so far in Hanoi:

After reading what I wrote, I paused and chose to leave that section blank.  My emotions and physical state have been in upheaval and it is too soon to speak of my experience as it is clouded with gray colored glasses at the moment.

The truth in the end is that life is nothing but constant change, Anicha, or impermanence.  My experience of suffering will shift just as it will for anyone else. 

While cycling to a local hipster café for lunch and blog session just now I bumped into a dear friend and yoga student, D, who I know from last year.  Seeing her reminded me about the flow of life even during times of energetic stagnation.  It was not chance that we passed one another on the crazy busy streets in Old Quarter where there are thousands of people.  She is going through a lot, as am I.  We needed to see each other, to reconnect.  If I left my guesthouse 1 minute earlier or later D and I would not have crossed paths.  This is when I am forced to remember to trust in the flow of life.