Flashback: Sept 5, 2012
I have made my way down through Thailand in search
of a job. Or in search of myself and my highest purpose; which I’m not
sure. Angels are taking care of me left & right: Dad, J, F, A,
S, M, A, G, J. Jewelry is selling like the talismans they are to the
people who understand and appreciate magic. I took a taste and connected
to Source fully, blissfully, openly. Euphoria, surges through my chakras,
abundant laughter, sparkling stars, understanding that I am filled with joy,
love, bliss, gratitude. The stars sparkled in the same way everything was
sparkling that day, sitting on Ashoka Rd learning how to hand-make tassels, on
the street side in India. How does this happen in India, can someone
explain the magic to me? On a deep level I intuitively understand what
happens; my senses are blown, deep spirituality surrounds, practice moves
through unneeded energy, layers strip away and my soul starts to shine.
Literally as my soul is shining I perceive the external world as sparkling and
shining as well. We practice yoga, meditate, work to polish energy and
heal all for these brief (hopefully longer lasting) moments: to scrape away
dead layers of old emotion and uncover our true essence.
My dear angel fairy sparkle sister F gave me the
best talk at coffee the other morning. She was like: “We’re from
Upper-Middle Class suburbs, we’re Jewish, we have been through graduate school,
we ARE abundant. We are part of this, this is the world we know.”
We have simply chosen the gypsy fairy route to tap into our higher purpose
which at times feels like Oz compared to the world we come from. But
isn’t this why I am out here doing what I do? To stay true to my highest
self.
The last time I caved without thinking into the rat
race in America I nearly died. I am faced with the same-same
decision: back to the Hanoi rat race where there is opportunity and money
to be made but very small community, horrific pollution, rajasic environment
and people for the most part, slim-to-no-chance for a proper love life, and no
bloody chanting or kirtan. I was extremely happy there. If I go
back I will be happy moving energy, being stable, making money, but there will
be a huge part of my soul that is empty and lacking. There has to be
more to life than this. LOVE.
What happened the last time I entered the Rat
Race? Truth stood me in the face and I crumbled. I saw the
purposelessness of the sales job I had at the time (a method to keep me-
barely- in SF to play AcroYoga & dance w/ amazing Vinyasa teachers, live
the high life). Making money to barely make rent to live a life beyond my
reach financially, which also was not feeding my soul. My soul was being
stripped of its’ ability to thrive as I circled for hours in North Beach for
parking, as I skipped up through Russian Hill during summer festivals.
The whole world became warped to me just as it had when I arrived in the US
from 1.5 years in developing countries. This time I couldn’t ignore what
I was seeing but by then it was too late; I was pinned down by depression,
anxiety and inability to function in this seemingly meaningless daily existence
of selling my soul for no good reason. I was burning through my time here
on earth and the best I could do was drag myself to the very bottom in order to
wake up and step back on my Path.
Flash Forward 1 Month:
October 5, 2012
My words and thoughts from 1 month ago are powerful
and resonate with the one-month-older Me. All makes sense, yet I have
been unsuccessful sustaining my own needs without a steady place of work &
income. What to do?
Stop in Hanoi momentarily, catch my breath.
This is one somewhat up-and-coming hipster Asian city where I can do one of the
things I love in this life to make a living, no struggle. I have friends
here, ability to cycle around the city; I get to teach yoga (and not
starve). Since arriving in town I have had 3 offers to teach yoga
different places; this was not happening elsewhere. I have already been
asked to perform at a hipster club. Super crucial: I have access to my
outstanding Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor for all of $6 per
session.
Downsides are evident and I am feeling the impact
every day.
Here is where I write about the experience I have
had so far in Hanoi:
After reading what I wrote, I paused and chose to
leave that section blank. My emotions and physical state have been in
upheaval and it is too soon to speak of my experience as it is clouded with
gray colored glasses at the moment.
The truth in the end is that life is nothing but
constant change, Anicha, or impermanence. My experience of suffering will
shift just as it will for anyone else.
While cycling to a local hipster café for lunch and blog session just
now I bumped into a dear friend and yoga student, D, who I know from last year.
Seeing her reminded me about the flow of life even during times of energetic
stagnation. It was not chance that we passed one another on the crazy
busy streets in Old Quarter where there are thousands of people. She is
going through a lot, as am I. We needed to see each other, to
reconnect. If I left my guesthouse 1 minute earlier or later D and I
would not have crossed paths. This is when I am forced to remember to
trust in the flow of life.
