White
Spectral Wizard. That is my sign in the Mayan Calendar. This year I am an Overtone Storm, which brings a time of change, transformation, and Empowerment. According to the Mayan
Calendar, for the past 3-4 years I have been wandering & lost.
Hmmmmm, me? Traipsing the globe, unsure of my destination, an unattached gypsy with an undying traveler’s spirit. Quite the opposite, this is the year I step
into my power and ground down. At the same time that I ground and
empower there is meant to be tremendous change both for myself and for those
around me.
What little I know about the Mayan Calendar resonates with me. I
am participating in a worldwide event next week, Day Out of Time, by
representing the White Spectral Wizard in a Prayer-formance. The White
Wizard is a healer, a shaman, jaguar, and spiritual visionary. A spiritual visionary I am. I use guided
imagery in combination with energy work and Somatic Dialogue Therapy, to help
people see pain and emotions they are holding in the cells of their bodies. My role is to illuminate and transform
areas of suffering and pain in a person.
This year is meant to be the year I become
a healer in the Mayan Calendar. Mayan
Astrology is similar to Western or Vedic Astrology in that these are simply
roadmaps, useful tools to gain perspective on our life, not necessarily
set-in-stone written story of our life. I recently had my Western
Astrological chart read and it mirrored the Mayan chart: my path is one
of healing. I am working on healing myself and I will become a healer for
others. I have had inklings since
childhood that I wanted to become a healer of sorts; first a pediatric
physician to help children who were suffering, as I was, at a young age. Losing
all sense of this desire in daily struggle and pain, I buried my truth and
purpose until choice of college major forced me to think about my life path.
Pre-med route proved too taxing for my body so I chose the less brutal,
the more natural road for me of psychology and saw it straight through my
Master's degree.
A few incarnations away from University
within this life, I have journeyed long and far to face my truth and purpose
once again in Bali; my life’s path as a healer.
I have been doing some of the work: teaching yoga, meditation, healing,
bodywork, but not completely owning this as my
purpose in life. Everything has changed
during these past 4 months in Bali.
I have spent a great deal of time meditating, going inside, and
opening to what is. My birthday in May brought a deep need for community.
During that time I had a minor fall on my motorbike causing an injury in
my shoulder and a 1.5 month break from yoga. Last week while showering I heard a big "pop" in
my shoulder and out of nowhere I had full usage of my arm. Prior
to that I couldn't lift my arm above shoulder height. The time of rest I
was forced to take provided me with opening and vision to realize my true purpose in this life as a healer. I have education, I have
training, I have gifts, I have already been giving this work but not fully practicing on a regular basis. Apparently it is
in the stars, in the planets and written in my chart. I have experienced
deep pain and suffering so I can now hold space for those who are experiencing
deep pain and suffering. Had I not felt this pain, this darkness, I could
not possibly attempt to help others; I wouldn't have insight, awareness, space,
and capacity to help guide them in their journey. This is why, at the age
of 23, I left my PhD program. I was
simply not prepared to help others. I
needed to journey myself, to heal my own wounds, to gain awareness and
perspective.
This time I have spent in Bali was the missing
link, the final pieces to a puzzle I couldn't possibly begin to finish because
I did not know where the pieces were. I just do what I have been doing for
the past 4 years; follow my deep gut intuition, my inner guide. My intuition
told me for the first time while traveling, without a set income and steady
job, to stay and ground in one place. I had no real reason to stay here
in Bali except that it felt right.
My mind made up excuses and practical reasons to stay on an expensive island
without money coming in on a routine basis, so I could intellectually feel OK, but
somehow my higher self knew this is where I needed to be in order to come to
some unbelievably simple, yet life-changing realizations. Bali is where I
have had supported community, mothering energy of rice paddies, in combination
with psychic and magical powers of the Balinese.
I have experienced a shift in my
vision of reality so drastic I only dreamed this could happen in another
lifetime. The shift began when I opened
up and began revealing more of my truth. I am facilitating a weekly Women’s Circle in
Ubud which has allowed space for others to share their deep journeys, open to
their vulnerabilities and heal in a group dynamic. I am witness to growth and bonding of the
women in our group. It took 3 weeks for
me to begin to share due in part to time constraints and in part to fear. Our topic was Trust. Without getting deep into the story, my
experience in life has been one of being unable to trust my mom and also unable
to trust my body, (due to an autoimmune disease until I learned its’ cues and
to listen to what it is telling me). Speaking
out with this group of women, while also doing a salt water/ green juice cleanse
for 6 days, I had the space to realize I am a healer in large part because of
my mom. I chose her as my mom in this
life for a reason. In a way she
sacrificed her sanity so I could learn what I learned from her. She has been one of my greatest teachers for
I was her psychologist most of my life, her guide, her source, her healer. I became the sensitive being that I am, tuned
in to other’s energy, able to feel and see energy, a large part because of the
dynamic between she and I. A lot of my
abilities come from work with my own energy; changing it, shaping it, visualizing
it; taking sick, stuck, muddled, dark energy and regenerating cells so they are
full of light (how I do this will not be the subject matter…). What I haven’t been able to accept until now
is that my mom is also one of my great teachers. As recent as a few days ago I began embracing
this knowledge, and the axis of my world is beginning to shift.
I
haven’t been in contact with my mom for most of the past 4 years. I reached out to her yesterday to thank her
for being who she is, for allowing me to be who I am in this life. I told her I love her. I truly thought I would never understand what
it means or feels like to forgive. I
thought I would have to see my mom in some form in my next life to resolve this
karma. She is quite sick on many levels,
and is often saying she is dying, so I never know if she will be alive. I have had to hold out the possibility that
by not speaking to her, I may not have the chance to tell her how I feel. At times when I have felt great pain and
anger I chose not to reach out to her.
It is quite useless and I have chosen to process and transform that pain
on my own. The 2nd week of our Women’s Circle in
Ubud, the topic was Forgiveness. That
week I was still feeling that forgiveness was bullshit, meant for all "those other people", for people who really didn’t know how it feels to be
wounded so deeply to their core that forgiveness is merely a fluffy idea people
toss around to make themselves feel better.
I was unable to speak up that week, but opened up to a dear friend from
the circle outside of the group.
Everything progresses in Bali at warp speed: by the following week I
shared the trust issues I have with my mom, and within the next week as the
walls around my heart melted I awakened to the knowledge that she is a great
teacher in my life. My heart feels full,
happy, blessed, and vulnerable. It is
raw and open. I am raw and open.
My mentor has always been held space that
I did not need to forgive my mom, which it may not be possible, but it that it was
important was for me to forgive myself.
I could not begin to visualize what this forgiveness feeling might look or
feel like. Then BOOM, out of nowhere, I
am feeling thankful. Thankful feels like forgiveness to me because
all anger and pain is unnecessary now. I
am now able to feel pure love for this person and myself. We are all love, it’s just a matter of
feeling it, seeing it, experiencing it.
The White Wizard is only empowered and able to evoke change within herself and others once she has crossed over to the light, once she has healed. Mom as teacher is like aloe for my now closed wound. It's still there, the pain happened, but I can feel and understand the power and blessings behind all of it.
Empowerment,
transformation, illumination, the shamanic path.
