Life as Meditation

June 24, 2012            

I didn't plan to blog today.  In fact, when I woke up this morning my day unfolded magically and unplanned as most Bali days do, or really any days spent off-Grid.  Some of you reading this may ask yourself "What in the world does she mean by 'Off-Grid'?  When I use the word Grid, I am referring to Western, 1st world countries that are plugged-in and exist in a manner where time and deadlines are essential, planning is a must, flow is unlikely, magic rare.

My days have been grounded in 1 hour meditation to begin, then some sort of activity to sweat.  Today everything was shaken up; I listened to intuition and went to hoop/ poi jam at Yoga Barn, one of our local well-known yoga spots.  It has been weeks if not over a month since I last played with poi, and a few months since playing with a contact fire staff.  Today I played!  Spinning the staff over my hands, twirling it in front, connecting it behind my back, throwing it in the air:  this was meditation for me today.  I set the staff down at one point when tired and a man came to pick it up.  Thinking he just wanted to use it, he began giving me pointers.  He showed me how to use my hands to catch it, the same way I was already doing.  Listening to my reaction, I heard myself resisting his recommendations and laughed at myself, explaining to him that I am "self-guided".  Having recently had my Myna Astrological chart read, this is one of my qualities which makes taking advice or having other people teach me things or tell me what to do extraordinarily difficult for me.  My world has opened know this jewel about myself, so when I am reacting to someone in such a way, I can simply explain how I am.

A major theme this week is women.........and men, particularly here in Ubud.  My goddess sisters are some of the most incredible women I have met on this planet.  Brilliant, gorgeous, talented, etc., somehow we all remain single.  There is a daily gathering of some sort to hypothesize on why this is the case.  Many of the men are SNAGS:  Single New Age Guys, who will talk with us more about their raw food fast (really, again?) than other worldly topics.  Some of them are seemingly too cool, collecting in a crew, only talking amongst themselves.  Some men are too in touch with their Shakti, their feminine, and have lost their Shiva power; that's not so sexy.  We always default to the daily:  "they are just so weird".  It is quite likely we are doing the human thing:  making assumptions without opening up enough to get to know these men and find out what is behind the mask.  On the other hand, Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink" hypothesizes that we know within the first 3 minutes of meeting someone if we could spend the rest of our lives with him or her.  I won't go that far, but I will say that after 3 months of casual interactions, dinners, chats, we know and feel enough.  On top of this, a lot of men in our town have partners and of course are not available to be with other women, which we respect.  One factor we have recently downloaded is that when together as a group, we may be intimidating.  There is no doubt a group of as a group of goddesses we may give off strong energy.

The truth is we love all of the people around men, women and us.  Some of my best friends in this town are men.  They are some of the most well traveled, cultured, interesting, artistic, creative, unique, intelligent, soulful, magical beings I am blessed to know in this life.  I have no doubt that here in Ubud, we are living the common human experience felt by any single person in any city/ village/ jungle around the world:  the desire to partner, to love, to connect on a soul level.  

The only constant in life is change.  The flow of life is beautiful and can open us to possibilities at any moment.  Life is moving meditation.  Thoughts one day can easily shift and move by the next day.  I find it powerful to write, to look back at my thoughts and conversations at a moment in time and observe my evolution in only a week's time.  

Old stories from my journeying being re-created and in process to share.  The Excavation.

                                    Kristy, Jeanna, Miranda.  3 of dozens of goddess sisters I
                                                am blessed to have around the world

Black Moon Power

Black Moon Power

The New Moon is known to be a good time to rest or cleanse, look inside one's self, empty and open to a brand new, full month ahead.  Last night was the New Moon in Bali, Black Moon as they call it here.
Heading out for an evening of goodbye and birthday celebrations on my motorbike, no further than the end of my rice paddies, I pulled up behind Balinese men and women from my village dressed in traditional ceremony wear.  We all headed together further down the street as I rapidly surmised I was part of a large Black Moon, or Tillum, ceremony that blocked the street.  My mission make the 10 minute motorbike drive from Penestanen to Ubud was going to be severely stunted if I followed along with this ceremony.  One of the boys advised it would take less time for me to drive 15 extra minutes around the other way because the village of Penestanen was walking all the way to Ubud in ceremony. 200+ people walking to Ubud and no way through or around made me think I should listen to this kind young man.  My initial reaction was frustration because I am normally able to access these roadways without obstruction.

Never having taken this other route I stopped a few times to make sure I was on the right path:  "Permisi, Ubud?".  Yes, they said with a wave of their hands in the direction I needed to head.  As I approached Penestanen from this direction on my way to Ubud, I found a line of traffic a mile long backed up due to an entirely separate ceremonial parade of people towards Ubud.  Motoring along past cars and minivans filled with tourists I joined the ceremony.  Balinese carrying offerings in their hands, baskets of offerings on their heads, music playing, I now felt at ease being a part of the journey to Ubud.  I let go of my need to get where I was going and joined in on the Black Moon celebration the Balinese were holding.

This collective of people allowed some of us on bikes to pass by, and I got no further than up the hill before center Ubud as another enormous Ceremony on foot forced the motorbikes to park and wait.  Unlike the other two masses, this group of about 400 Balinese was heading in the opposite direction, out of Ubud towards Penestanen.  My only option to stop and watch, I removed my helmet to connect with the Universe, with God at that moment, as the Balinese believe there is a sacred connection between their crown chakra and God.  As I opened to the experience and surrendered my need to control plans, control where I was going and when I needed to arrive, I was able to be in the ceremony.   Men walked by with their wives, daughters and sons.  Boys played loud percussion instruments and drums.  Girls carried hand-woven offerings.  Barongs, sacred animal-human-like figures made of elaborate costume materials manipulated by dancers passed by.  They are believed to fight off Rangda, witches or demons.  I have seen Balinese performances, I have seen Balinese dances and ceremonies and never enamored with them.  Last night as hundreds of Balinese, seemingly all of the surrounding Villages migrated to meet in a center point where I stood, I opened to this spiritual Black Moon power.


I have not practiced Ashtanga asana for over 1 week now, maybe 10 days.  Upon waking in the morning I meditate for an hour.  The past two days of meditation have been quite powerful.  Yesterday at some moment I met a space inside of me that looks like sand-colored ocean floor shadowed a circular shaped boat.  My focus was drawn to the shadow cast into the vast space inside of me holding palpable emotions of self-doubt, self-loathing and fear.  This is real.

This morning I sat and for the first 10 minutes I felt my heart, I experienced pain, sorrow, and I cried.    I got to chatting with a child last night who told me about his adventures walking through the forest.  He is one living a magical childhood in Bali full of ninjas and dragons and witches and every imaginary creature one could dream.  Today as I sat in meditation I was hit with grief and sorrow for the loss of an innocent, playful childhood I was do not remember living.  Since the age of one I was extremely sick with high fevers, inflammation, pain which led to me becoming a research subject of sorts in the Western Medical system.  Different diagnoses of diseases were tossed around, many months spent in the hospital, tubes in veins and heart.  Physical, emotional, spiritual pain and suffering are the dark hole of my childhood that I crawled out of.  Writing this now brings me back to a place of darkness that felt like imprisonment.  I could not see beyond any given day.  It was my wish and intention to get through one day without pain but that rarely happened.  What I found after many years is that the disease, (doctors settled on a label of Behcet's disease after 22 yrs), became a friend to me, something I was attached to when I believed I had nothing else.

I journeyed long and far to find my way out of the darkness, a long story to be shared over time.  What is relevant today is the Black Moon power connecting me to hidden emotions, drawing them out in order to create space for beauty, abundance, love, all of my desires.

                                              Pak Made blessing our house while I blogged
                                               Creating space for me and housemates to set
                                              intentions clearly with full Black Moon power
                                         

Truth, Empowerment, & Venus

Truth & Empowerment & Venus

Attempt 3 at blogging this week.  Should be my final before posting.  I have been here, there everywhere:  Tampak Siring on a search for Durian of all things, Celuk on a search for semi-precious stones and peace.  Moved house twice.  So let's give it a shot:

Today was my breaking point and after dealing with a locksmith (lost key to the closet that held all of my stuff including $), and being left alone to rest my right arm that has tendonitis or worse, I cried.  In Bali there is space and time to heal, to allow emotions to surface, to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  The thing of it is I am so tough and have built up a wall that is so high I can't see over it and so thick it's made of pure steel, I rarely cry except under particular circumstances.  Years of physical pain from an autoimmune disease, emotional pain from dysfunctional family relations are solid basis for such protection.  The un-layering and opening process of one's self is beautiful, painful, beyond extraordinary and takes support.  It is a blessing that I have created a network of friends/ family around the world and in the un-doing of unnecessary walls as I open to my truth I can call upon them.  It is a blessing I am situated in the rice paddies and mothering energy of Ubud, Bali.

Fitting timing: Venus transited across the sun this week.  Huge, auspicious astrological event that is extremely rare and won't happen again until 2117.  On 4 occasions I found myself in deeper than usual conversations with people, friends and strangers, about their life stories.  All 4 have, at some point in their life, experienced struggle, suffering, pain.  The thread that knit their stories so closely together with mine is they have risen out of darkness coming from a place of truth.  Each of our stories is different but we are very much the same; we will not compromise our truth to live a life that denies who we are at the core self.  It is a choice, to stand in one's truth, one that comes with many forks in the road and confronting decisions at every turn.  Living life on the edge, no doubt.  My chanting teacher in Mysore, James Boag, says "Once you live life on the razor's edge, you can't go back to the pavement".  This is my experience in life.

My right arm is badly injured with tendonitis, likely from a minor fall on my motorbike a few weeks ago compounded with continued Ashtanga practiced, AcroYoga practice, jewelry making, working on launching my website, driving all over the island for work.
As an energy worker and psychologist it is inherent in my job to know and understand that:
1) accidents/ injuries happen for a reason
2) we hold emotions in our bodies especially at points where there is pain

Last July I took a 15 ft. fall while rock climbing in Tonsai, Thailand, fell upside-down on the rope, cracked my skull open and blacked out.  I was inches from breaking my spine or dying 40 ft. up on the rock.  I came to hanging upside-down and all I could see was blood gushing from my head.  I managed down from the wall with help and a taxi boat to the local "hospital", a few stitches, I was climbing 5 days later (minor concussion only).  Within 5 months a piercing pain behind my right shoulder blade prevented me from practicing yoga and teaching 7 days/ week, auspiciously sent me to my favorite beach in Thailand.  I sought to find the deeper meaning to these injuries during a Past Life Regression while in Mysore, India which proved to be more powerful that I hoped; my body continues to hold many answers for my life and my life's path.

Today with my arm badly injured and almost incapacitated I asking the same question I was with the two previous injuries:  what am I trying to tell myself or what is my body trying to tell me?  The Balinese bodyworker I saw yesterday gave me stronger deep tissue work than I have ever had, and more pain than I have experienced in a long time.  Not being able to operate my bike, I drove to the closest cafe where a friend was having coffee.  He began to chat nonchalantly but quickly realized I was a mess, and unexpectedly I fell apart (I was shaking so badly from the pain, both physical and emotional) and allowed myself to be held, to be vulnerable.  It is quite possible this pain is here to force me to let my walls down, to open, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to let people in on a more intimate level.

One of the 4 connections I made this week was with a powerful goddess who has inspired me to write, speak my truth, and keep my blog on a regular basis.  She has come from a quite vicious background herself to a life teaching yoga, healing, and now leading workshops on empowerment.  She heard bits and pieces of my story and told me I must speak my truth, that people need to hear it.  I am scared.  I am feeling vulnerable.  If you are reading this and it speaks to you please let me know.
Sending love.

June 5, 2012  Celuk, Bali

                                                   Gorgeous women working in construction

                                            Old man watching the world from his street corner

                                                 Ganesh,  remover of obstacles